Commode To Joy

finding happy (even in the crappy)

He Won’t Meet His Grandpa In Person, But He Still Knows Him

I’ve been missing my dad lately. More than usual.

Last night Miller asked about his Grandpa Jim. I’d just curled him up in a bath towel and laid him on the rug following his bath.

“Mommy, what did my Grandpa Jim say when he curled me up in a ball and wrapped me up like this?”

I was taken aback for several reasons. Firstly, Miller’s not asked about my dad before unless I bring him up first.

But moreso than the surprise of Miller mentioning his Grandpa Jim was the image that filled me. I pictured Dad wrapping up Miller from up above and handing my boy – the best present I’ve ever received – to me.

Once Mark and I knew we were ready for a child, but before I was pregnant, I imagined my baby spending time with dad before coming to be with me. I believed (and still believe) that even though they never met physically, they know each other. They’ve played together. They’ve laughed together.

If I think about it too long, my throat constricts and the tears flow. It’s heart wrenching, yet meaningful.

“Mommy, what did my Grandpa Jim say when he curled me up in a ball and wrapped me up like this?”

“He said how much he loves you.”

“Is he dead?”

“Yeah. Yes he is.”

Miller’s face contorted in its pre-cry way, and his eyes filled with tears.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Do you mean is he going to come back for you to see him in person?”

“Yes.”

“No buddy. He’s not.”

He’s not.

I’ve been missing my dad lately. More than usual.

He must know it, because last night he popped in and shared a moment with me and his grandson.

Dad & Miller

November 2009 – November 2017

Categories: Death & Grief, Family & Parenting

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2 replies

  1. Whew! This definitely brought tears to my eyes an my throat to constrict in exactly the way you described…your dad is looking down an thinking How proud he is of the mom you are to Miller!! It is hard to have a parent gone who never got to meet “the best gift you will ever receive” but we have to know they are watching over us just like you explained! Thanks for sharing!

  2. I’m missing my dad too. I’m lucky that both my sons got the chance to know him… I believe that souls are eternal and that sometimes they bridge that space between the living and the dead.

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